It's been a long time since my last entry here.  You could say that lots have happened in the past month, but nothing has really changed.  Life has its path, and I'm just walking it.  It's actually quite nice to be emotionally detached from other people.  I can finally concentrate on myself and do the things that pleases me.  No obligations, no committments, no baggage. 

Only old memories revisit to remind me of the life I once experienced and loved.

Sometimes I wonder why I have so much love to give, but no one wants to receive?  Or should I say, why do I want to receive so much and give more in return?  Is there something in me that wants to give....or do I just really want to receive? 

I gave and I received.  But what hurt most was not being able to give anymore.  Suddenly giving meant nothing.  No one wanted to receive.

I am stuck.

The feeling of love bottled inside feels so empty.

J

Yes, maybe I am a little boy who dives into relationships way before its mature.  And yes, I may be that little boy who wants too much out of someone too soon.  And yes, maybe I am a little boy who just believes that love can be spontaneous and lasting.  But yes, I am often left heartbroken. 

I am just a little boy wandering in the fog trying to find someone to wander with.  Is this too much to ask?  Apparently yes, it is too much to ask.  I am not understanding this game called love.  To me, it shouldn't be a game...there shouldn't be tactics or game plan.  You shouldn't have to hold back on your feelings because you think you might frighten the other person.  You shouldn't need to play hard to get, in order to get someone.  There shouldn't be all these mind-readings and crap.  All these things just become obstacles in the fog, tripping us and hurting all of us in the end. 

No one could see through the fog, but it is always better to know that you're not the only one.

J

There are times when we want to share with the entire world of our happiness, but at other times you're not so sure.  In the matter of love, when you are not so sure about your status with your partner...do you want to start telling people of your new love interest?  Labels become very important at this point...and may I add, very sensitive.  When the labels are not clearly written and things are uncertain, everythings can go right or go horribly wrong - every step feels like walking on glass. 

I have experienced enough to know that I cannot speed things up, but at the same time I am eager to write a label and tape it to my forehead so everyone knows I'm TAKEN! 

But most importantly, when I see you across from the dance floor looking for me, I know I am dating someone who is ready to write a label.

J

You know a huge step has been made when suddenly a new picture appears on your bulletin board in front of your desk.  That bulletin board is a portrait of your life.  I have my schedule, my finacial goals, important phone numbers, receipts, to-do lists, passwords, and special pictures all pinned onto this tiny board.  You have to be pretty important to make it up there. 

Today is one of those monumental days when you put something really special up there, and suddenly the whole board looks different.  It is a picture that brightens up my day and adds a little sparkle to my life.  Everything is beautiful.

J